She wondered where her thoughts went while she was sleeping.

Have you ever wondered that before? Yes, we all understand what happens to our brains when our bodies power down for that glorious 6-8 hours of sleep. REM sleep and other various sleep cycles occur while you’re embarrassingly drooling all over your boyfriends’ shoulder and blah blah science blah. But, what happens to the thoughts that plague us throughout the day, that won’t go away no matter how much we want them to. The thoughts that are telling me that I’m not good enough for that dream job that I have always wanted or that loves to question whether I actually even want to do that dream job in the first place. Those thoughts that never miss the chance to remind me that I am not special, I am not the smartest nor even close to the prettiest, my art isn’t anywhere close to refined enough to publicize and (my personal favorite), I don’t deserve love and eventually it’s going to leave me because that’s how my life is destined to go and who would want someone who can’t even get her own thoughts together. There’s been proof, Oh! There. Has. Been. Proof. Believe it or not, our brains don’t necessarily just pull this bullshit out of their asses. No, things have happened, people have said words, there is proof that if I do ______ ,then _________ will happen to me (shout out to the basics of a hypothesis and my brain for using it), and do we really want that to happen again? *prentitious brain crosses arms and looks down at me* “No, we do not”. My brain is like that aunt*, you know the one that everyone has, who loves to ask those questions that you have no actual answer to, but she asks them anyway knowing damn well that you have no fathomable idea of WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. She just gets off knowing that she knows that I know that she knows that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE.

*Just a quick thing here if you are that aunt, stop doing that because you suck. You suck big fat Lumberjack toes covered in some sort of chronic Lumberjack-related foot fungus, that I am too lazy to look up even though the Google Chrome tab is literally 3 inches from where my cursor is at this very moment. Yay, for run on sentences and laziness! Boo for you aunt, I still remember what I was talking about and you still suck.

All day long, I am one of the lucky millions who get the chance to repeat every single negative thought that I have ever thought ever about myself and repeat them until my head gets foggy and I have no choice but to accept it. Oh, is that just me, well here is some entertainment for you perfect brained people.

My boyfriend is a fucking Prophet. No not a Jesus prophet, or a regular one, he’s just fucking amazing. The juxtaposition of us both is what makes for what people say when someone asks “why are theyyyy together” and you answer with a shrug “Opposites Attract”. I actually don’t think that that particular saying is quite accurate enough for those “Opposites” who do indeed “Attract”. I prefer something more like “two puzzles pieces fit together the way that they were always meant to fit when they were manufactured by the great Mattel Gods and Puzzle Designers” or “Popsicle Stick houses don’t work without the glue”. The glue itself, which everyone knows will when dry, hold things together. Boyfriend /is the glue. Now, let’s not forget, glue isn’t just for holding things together. Glue needs to not dry out too early, and it is popsicle sticks’ job to stir up the glue and make sure it is seeing and appreciating all the little stuff and to not think about its future as holding things together all the time(wait what?). Popsicle sticks, although once held one sole purpose which was to hold frozen deliciously-mastered high fructose corn syrup, are now used for a multitude of Pinterest purposes. For those who don’t know what a popsicle or sub sequentially what a popsicle stick is let me explain it to you (fun game alert: try to spot out the analogy in this explanation).  Popsicle sticks are about 4-5 inches in length and around ½ inch thick, they are made of your usual wood (dunno what that is, again, laziness) and when properly stacked and combined with glue are commonly known to make quite cute little houses. I am the popsicle stick, just with a hyperactive asshole of a brain. I know that I am made up of what every single other popsicle stick is made of, I get that part. I also know that with the proper tools, which I already have (glue, it’s glue), I can be and do whatever I put my mind to. No matter what I decide, that glue will always be there to hold me up. If I want to be the got damn Eiffel Tower that glue is always going to be there to support me and help me make my dreams come true. The kicker is though, that I need to make a fucking decision on what I want to fucking be instead of just sitting around as a lonely ass pathetic little popsicle stick . The glue knows what he is and what he wants and how he can get it. I envy the glue, and strive to be more like the glue. (did you get the analogy? It was subtle)

Boyfriend has this uncanny ability to control his emotions. WHOOOOAAAAAA WHAAAAAATTTT?!!?? Yes, tis not magic nor sorcery of any sort, Hermione has no part in this, he literally can just tell himself that he isn’t a piece of worthless shit and HIS BRAIN WILL BELIEVE HIM, “it’s…it’s a miracle”. I used to think that he just was one of those lucky little souls who came to this world and got a body with a balla ass brain. In all actuality that was a bit naïve and selfish of me to think. “Oh yea he was just GIVEN this dope ass brain” or “Yea, I couldn’t do that, MY brain is special, MY brain literally has a mind of its own and is trying to kill me s’cool”. No, he has worked* for it, he has taken the proper steps to train it. It is possible, and by me saying he got lucky, I am being the purist form of a dick.

*shout out to the generations before us Millennials who looooove to word vomit all over the place about how millennials don’t understand “working” towards something and blah blah hypocrite bullshit blah. Bruh, not only do we A) know and fully understand what work means, remember we went to school against our will due to societies standards and are now in millions of dollars in debt, but that b) WE ARE ABLE TO WORK ON OURSELVES AND OUR MENTAL HEALTH TOO. Hizzah! We have evolved!

No matter how much I want to be ignorant to it, it’s true, you can actually rewire your brain to like you instead of fight with you all of the time. You can even get it to, dare I say it, love you. I just want to preemptively say that this isn’t the kind of thing where I have gone through it and conquered and now I am about to drop some serious knowledge on you and tell you how amazing my life is all the time as I have gotten rich and travel everywhere somehow and make you jealous as you scroll through my Instagram. Not in the slightest, I actually just came to this realization at 10:30 am this morning. This is my journey into taking those thoughts that I have wondered go when I sleep, and felt the need to sleep all the time to keep them away, and learn to rewire them and be the successful popsicle stick that I am destined to be (with my sweet glue by my side). This is my success story, just like 3-5 years early.

-P

(For Popsicle Stick)

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