She Was (Recently) Depressed and Selfish.

Okay so now that we all know what the entire point of this blog is, let’s get to business.

Where were we?

Oh, okay yesterday morning at 10:30am I realized that I can indeed have total control of my brain (I still want to not believe it, but it’s a thing, there are books and old white guys studying it). The title of this post is controversial but, as a person with chronic depression, it’s true. It took me FIVE-EVER to realize, but it’s true. For those of you have experienced depression it is no joke. Be it from a break up, some mishap with your job, or ya’ know just because (my brain prefers this reason). Our brains have this amazing way of instantly putting on the most intense and ASPCA dis-approved set of blinders* I have ever experienced.

*Fun little note here, in high school I was pretty (very) into basketball (we will get into that later I presume). Well as we all know basketball consists of an ass ton of dribbling. Have you ever tried to dribble, it’s a little challenging yes, but possible. It’s the most possible when you are able to look at the ball and know where to tell your hand to go. Well, on good ol’ varsity, that’s not acceptable anymore. So my coach would have us put on literal blinders and run up and down the court looking straight ahead, and expected us to be able to do that no problem. The only reason this is relevant is because it made me laugh thinking about a bunch of giant 17 year old girls running around in all directions looking like a bunch of blinded horses in the headlights. And humor is the most necessary when it comes to these topics so… you’re welcome.

I have an amazing life, I always have. I am extremely grateful to the Universe for this and thank my lucky stars every day. But depression doesn’t give a shit. You could be having the best day ever at your favorite place ever with your favorite people ever eating your favorite dessert ever and then BOOM! Your brain takes this perfect opportunity to put it into full throttle and remind you over and over and over and over that you aren’t shit. That you never have been shit and you never will be shit. There is actual like science about this thing and it’s just a bunch of chemicals that are off in your brain and aren’t firing off correctly.

The best way that my doctor ever explained it is picture an overpass. Okay, you’re in your car jamming away to Kendrick’s new album (my doctor didn’t say that part, even though she is pretty dope), about to go over this huge overpass and then right when you go to go over it there is a giant sign and road blocks that say that you can’t pass due to construction. Well, shit. Now you have to find some way off of A FREEWAY and turn around somewhere on a one-way street and make your way to another path. If it sounds difficult, it’s because it is. Yea, that’s how the chemicals in your brain work. They go about their day on their normal path and then they stop for some science reason and can’t finish the rest of their job because something is blocking it. Voila! That’s how I end up ruining the perfect day at the beach for me and everyone around me, again you’re welcome.

I would lock myself in my room, lights off, little to no food,no Netflix (or Netflix on mute) just staring and sleeping. Then, sleeping and staring. Eventually repeating  that ridiculous routine for the next 48 hours until my mom would come in and literally have to pull me out of bed. Why would I do this to myself you ask? No clue, but it happens and it’s a deep deep dark hole to get out of once you let yourself down there. Those who know, know oh too well. If you don’t know, now you know (yes, I did that on purpose, I tried to make a cool pop-outie like version of it, but I don’t computer well)

Before you say it, those dreaded words that will IMMEDIATLEY put someone in this state of depression into an even deeper darker harder damper wetter colder state of depression. DON’T SAY IT.

“I don’t know why you don’t just snap out of it” or “Just get up and go outside you’ll feel better” or “Just get over it”

No. Nah-uh. Nope. No way. Stop. Halt. Rewind. Pull it back.

It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life (and I primal camped in the fucking middle of bumfuck nowhere Kansas for 6 weeks in the dead heat of summer). Think about it, it’s all mental. You have to literally convince yourself (who is losing their shit up there and trying to kill you) that it’s not that big of deal and that it is being selfish. I mean I get it, we all (should) get it. There are WAY worse things happening in the world right now, then your brain just shutting down. But you have to practically fucking write up an outline, rough draft, final draft, make-up final draft, news article, bring it to Ellen, tell Oprah and then have the fucking Pope sign off on it before your brain believes it. My brain is high maintenance as shit, it’s a literally bitch. We fight all day long.

Long story short, just shut up and be there for the people in your life who are going through this, because it’s hard.

But you have to take that step. You have to realize that you aren’t the center of the universe. It isn’t all about you. There ARE worse things happening in the world to people who are much better human beings then you are. You have GOT to stop being selfish. Stop letting yourself throw that 48-hour pity party. Stop letting yourself take that initial step into that cold dark hole that goes deeper and deeper and is colder and colder (and creepier) the more you believe what your brain is trying to tell you. I’ve taken that step and that first step is rewiring your brain to not put you down while you’re at the beach having the time of your life. That first step is convincing yourself that you ARE awesome. That first step is convincing yourself that you DO deserve love and all that the universe has to give you. That first step is believing in all of the amazing things that this Universe has planned for you.

I don’t care if this blog gets big. I don’t care if only 5 people read this. I’m here for you and I promise you that there are people going through this exact same thing and that there IS a way out. Believe me, I just crawled out of that deep dark hole dirty fingernails and all, still covered in dirt and grime from that fall, but I’m off to go clean my clothes, take a shower, and kick ass. I hope you will join me. (Not in the shower, on the journey. You dirty pervs)

-P.

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