She wondered where her thoughts went while she was sleeping.

Have you ever wondered that before? Yes, we all understand what happens to our brains when our bodies power down for that glorious 6-8 hours of sleep. REM sleep and other various sleep cycles occur while you’re embarrassingly drooling all over your boyfriends’ shoulder and blah blah science blah. But, what happens to the thoughts that plague us throughout the day, that won’t go away no matter how much we want them to. The thoughts that are telling me that I’m not good enough for that dream job that I have always wanted or that loves to question whether I actually even want to do that dream job in the first place. Those thoughts that never miss the chance to remind me that I am not special, I am not the smartest nor even close to the prettiest, my art isn’t anywhere close to refined enough to publicize and (my personal favorite), I don’t deserve love and eventually it’s going to leave me because that’s how my life is destined to go and who would want someone who can’t even get her own thoughts together. There’s been proof, Oh! There. Has. Been. Proof. Believe it or not, our brains don’t necessarily just pull this bullshit out of their asses. No, things have happened, people have said words, there is proof that if I do ______ ,then _________ will happen to me (shout out to the basics of a hypothesis and my brain for using it), and do we really want that to happen again? *prentitious brain crosses arms and looks down at me* “No, we do not”. My brain is like that aunt*, you know the one that everyone has, who loves to ask those questions that you have no actual answer to, but she asks them anyway knowing damn well that you have no fathomable idea of WHAT I AM GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. She just gets off knowing that she knows that I know that she knows that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE.

*Just a quick thing here if you are that aunt, stop doing that because you suck. You suck big fat Lumberjack toes covered in some sort of chronic Lumberjack-related foot fungus, that I am too lazy to look up even though the Google Chrome tab is literally 3 inches from where my cursor is at this very moment. Yay, for run on sentences and laziness! Boo for you aunt, I still remember what I was talking about and you still suck.

All day long, I am one of the lucky millions who get the chance to repeat every single negative thought that I have ever thought ever about myself and repeat them until my head gets foggy and I have no choice but to accept it. Oh, is that just me, well here is some entertainment for you perfect brained people.

My boyfriend is a fucking Prophet. No not a Jesus prophet, or a regular one, he’s just fucking amazing. The juxtaposition of us both is what makes for what people say when someone asks “why are theyyyy together” and you answer with a shrug “Opposites Attract”. I actually don’t think that that particular saying is quite accurate enough for those “Opposites” who do indeed “Attract”. I prefer something more like “two puzzles pieces fit together the way that they were always meant to fit when they were manufactured by the great Mattel Gods and Puzzle Designers” or “Popsicle Stick houses don’t work without the glue”. The glue itself, which everyone knows will when dry, hold things together. Boyfriend /is the glue. Now, let’s not forget, glue isn’t just for holding things together. Glue needs to not dry out too early, and it is popsicle sticks’ job to stir up the glue and make sure it is seeing and appreciating all the little stuff and to not think about its future as holding things together all the time(wait what?). Popsicle sticks, although once held one sole purpose which was to hold frozen deliciously-mastered high fructose corn syrup, are now used for a multitude of Pinterest purposes. For those who don’t know what a popsicle or sub sequentially what a popsicle stick is let me explain it to you (fun game alert: try to spot out the analogy in this explanation).  Popsicle sticks are about 4-5 inches in length and around ½ inch thick, they are made of your usual wood (dunno what that is, again, laziness) and when properly stacked and combined with glue are commonly known to make quite cute little houses. I am the popsicle stick, just with a hyperactive asshole of a brain. I know that I am made up of what every single other popsicle stick is made of, I get that part. I also know that with the proper tools, which I already have (glue, it’s glue), I can be and do whatever I put my mind to. No matter what I decide, that glue will always be there to hold me up. If I want to be the got damn Eiffel Tower that glue is always going to be there to support me and help me make my dreams come true. The kicker is though, that I need to make a fucking decision on what I want to fucking be instead of just sitting around as a lonely ass pathetic little popsicle stick . The glue knows what he is and what he wants and how he can get it. I envy the glue, and strive to be more like the glue. (did you get the analogy? It was subtle)

Boyfriend has this uncanny ability to control his emotions. WHOOOOAAAAAA WHAAAAAATTTT?!!?? Yes, tis not magic nor sorcery of any sort, Hermione has no part in this, he literally can just tell himself that he isn’t a piece of worthless shit and HIS BRAIN WILL BELIEVE HIM, “it’s…it’s a miracle”. I used to think that he just was one of those lucky little souls who came to this world and got a body with a balla ass brain. In all actuality that was a bit naïve and selfish of me to think. “Oh yea he was just GIVEN this dope ass brain” or “Yea, I couldn’t do that, MY brain is special, MY brain literally has a mind of its own and is trying to kill me s’cool”. No, he has worked* for it, he has taken the proper steps to train it. It is possible, and by me saying he got lucky, I am being the purist form of a dick.

*shout out to the generations before us Millennials who looooove to word vomit all over the place about how millennials don’t understand “working” towards something and blah blah hypocrite bullshit blah. Bruh, not only do we A) know and fully understand what work means, remember we went to school against our will due to societies standards and are now in millions of dollars in debt, but that b) WE ARE ABLE TO WORK ON OURSELVES AND OUR MENTAL HEALTH TOO. Hizzah! We have evolved!

No matter how much I want to be ignorant to it, it’s true, you can actually rewire your brain to like you instead of fight with you all of the time. You can even get it to, dare I say it, love you. I just want to preemptively say that this isn’t the kind of thing where I have gone through it and conquered and now I am about to drop some serious knowledge on you and tell you how amazing my life is all the time as I have gotten rich and travel everywhere somehow and make you jealous as you scroll through my Instagram. Not in the slightest, I actually just came to this realization at 10:30 am this morning. This is my journey into taking those thoughts that I have wondered go when I sleep, and felt the need to sleep all the time to keep them away, and learn to rewire them and be the successful popsicle stick that I am destined to be (with my sweet glue by my side). This is my success story, just like 3-5 years early.


(For Popsicle Stick)

What Happened?

So, ever since my last post things have been going downhill mentally for me. My positive affirmations aren’t helping, how are they supposed to when I’ve already let myself go down that slippery slope before I even wake up?

Those who know will understand, those who don’t, don’t be alarmed I’m not suicidal or whatever so chill, I’m just having a bad mental week. I thought that I would be able to follow these steps that are in this book, and then I would magically get and feel better. Turns out to not be so true. I can’t just insert things into the equation and solve it. It’s not that easy, I mean what did I expect?

I didn’t want to post this week. I didn’t want to put my rawest of moments out there for everyone to see. But, isn’t that the point? To be as vulnerable as I can be so that those who are going through the same thing have at least SOMEONE to relate to. So, here it is.

Have you ever woken up depressed? Depression is different than being sad and I think that days like these are where that line between Chronic Depression and Situational Depression is strongly drawn. I was having an AMAZING week mentally, and I was stoked that everything was working out. Saturday morning I wake up and I’m depressed. No, not sad. I had doven deep into the place I hate to be. I woke up hating myself, feeling worthless and helpless. What a way to wake up. What a horrible disease. No reason to be anywhere near depressed because I get to wake up every morning, roll over and see the love of my life smiling back at me every single day. And, Oh My God do I love it. I have a roof over my head and am even fortunate enough to have a sweet little dog to accompany us in this beautiful life we are building.

So why? Why brain?

I was off of my meds (hate that phrase, but it’s accurate). I stopped taking my Prozac in March (like an idiot) thinking I was fine. Just a little PSA here:

If you have gotten to the point where medicine is a part of your transition to a happier life, don’t stop taking them even if you feel better. Also, if you feel that this is an integral step to your happiness, then fucking do it. Don’t listen to everyone else, only you can really decide what’s best for you.

The stigma behind medicine needs to stop, and I will be the first to admit that I was totally against them until VERY recently. I can figure this out my own way. I can’t. It took working for a foster care agency seeing children be disappointed day by day by day by their shithead scum of the earth parents, me hiding my tears all day, crying at my desk or in the bathroom. I would come home and just fall. I would literally have to scrape myself out of bed. I was a mess. So I decided it was time for me to get my shit together, talk it out and get some medicine because I was done.

I’ve decided to FINALLY go talk to a counselor, and I’m very very excited about it. This is a very big step for me, because as long as I can remember I have refused to go. I’m nervous as all hell to talk to a stranger about all of my brain nonsense, but it’s going to help. I need to stop plaguing my family with things that they aren’t prepared to help me understand, which a therapist is. I think everyone should honestly go talk to a counselor, it’s supposedly very therapeutic. But, I wouldn’t know. I’ll let you all know how it goes. For now, I’m sorry that this post isn’t as positive or funny, but I’m here and I’m still moving forward.




The Hulk and Thor are in My Head?

So, a week later and I have to say, Positive Affirmations are actually quite amazing. My mood is lighter, and when I do feel something overwhelming, I am able to bounce back within minutes. Before I go any further, let’s give a shout out to one of my all-time favorite self-help books, “You are a Badass; How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life” written by the amazing Jen Sincero. A lot of the Positive Affirmations that I am currently using multiple times a day, are from her. Also, a lot of the steps that I’m taking are from this book as well. Basically, this book is my Bible at the moment, so you’re going to hear a lot about it.

Okay, yea, pointing to yourself in the mirror with that discernible face and saying “You, my friend, are a Bad Ass”, may trigger ya’ll (gender neutral term, not Southern) to think I’m trippin’, which I am, but aren’t we all? Isn’t that the whole point of this blog?

Positive Affirmations are easy, you tell yourself multiple times throughout the day, what YOU need to hear. You TELL yourself how you are going to feel. You CONVINCE yourself that YOU *sassy clap* ARE *sassy clap* MORE *sassy clap* THAN *sassy clap* ENOUGH.

It’s actually pretty dope, you can convince yourself almost anything and the universe will comply because you have FINALLY tuned into the correct frequency. (For those who are religious, I am not. I practice tuning into the Universes and frequencies, crystal healing and all of that OM Spiritual stuff. Dat’s ma shit. So, when I say universe, just [insert whatever higher power] you believe in, or don’t if you don’t. Do you boo boos, no one is here to judge) But, for the sake of this topic, tuning into the correct frequency sees no religion or belief. You just need to tell yourself and emit what you want out of your life, and the universe will (normally) comply. Emit positivity and receive relief.

I will be going into some research that I looked into here in these next few paragraphs. If you aren’t about that shit, that’s cool, just scroll down! Also, it may sound a little different than your usual   R E S E A R C H   R O B O T   MLA FORMAT BULLSHIT; I’ll give credit where credit is due, but I refuse to be a robot.

Positive Affirmations aren’t hogwash, they work. They are an actual thing. According to Ray Williams of Psychology Today, Self-Affirmations were officially pioneered sometime in the 1920’s. Those genius fuckers realized that we have been convincing ourselves that we suck, which is instrumental because it proves that we CAN indeed convince our brains of things that it doesn’t necessarily believe (shout out to the Homophobes, Fascists and Racists; Seeeeee you CAN change your ways to see love, but I digress).

So, blah, blah, science stuff, this guy Ray was saying in his article that when we tell ourselves “[insert affirmation here]”, we are actually “reinforcing that chemical pathway in the brain, making the connection between 2 neurons stronger and more likely to conduct the same message again”. ZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZ… If you fell asleep during that sentence it’s fine, I totes understand, I do the same thing when I see like a math problem, or any numbers really. Basically, here is what this guy is saying, via interpretation by yours truly.

Okay, you remember that story I told about how our brains go on this freeway when we feel emotion and blah blah, hit a blocked overpass (in this situation because the middle of the overpass has broken down), and you have to turn around and do a three-point turn in your head and shit and like give an “I’m sorry, I’m an idiot, I know” wave to the people behind you? Yea? Okay well, every time that you give yourself a Positive Affirmation, in your brain there are these super heroes (I’m picturing a select crew from the Avengers, something not so popular like Thor and the Hulk, like nobody WANTS to see just them but they are still doing good, and the other cooler Avengers are busy… what the fuck am I talking about, everyone wants to see Thor). Anyways, these superheroes get the fucking message that you sent out, and they fly (or super jump, or like spidey-web) to this overpass and they put back together the overpass for you. It’s a one-time deal, but then instead of having to back up and go down that slippery slope, you take your happy ass over that overpass and continue jamming to K Dot.

Okay are you with me? So, the more and more that you tell yourself your positive affirmations, and the more and more Thor and the Hulk come to put the overpass back together, that overpass then becomes stronger and stronger. Thor and The Hulk start using Grade-A materials, like that shit that the military makes shit with, and they start rebuilding a stronger and stronger overpass every time. Eventually, Thor and The Hulk will stop coming, because your bridge is strong enough on its own for you to pass. BOOM! That’s how Positive Affirmations work.

Now, there is one caveat: You kind of have to believe in what you are telling yourself. You can’t just put up the Bat Signal, but not believe in Batman. You just can’t. (I apologize for mixing my superhero universes, but it worked in this situation). The more you believe in what you are saying to yourself, the higher the likelihood that your superheroes in your head are going to come help a girl (or guy, or both, or neither; whichever you prefer) out.

Okay, this is getting long, here is a list of the Positive Affirmations that are currently working for me (I suggest getting an app that will remind you on your phone, multiple times a day, of your affirmations, I use “My Affirmations”):

  • I deserve and receive massive amounts of love every moment of every day.
  • I am one with the Universe. The Universe is awesome (look around, it made all this dope shit) and so am I.
  • I am brilliant, bright and beautiful.
  • I am in control of my thoughts and my life.
  • I can do it.

This seems like a step you can skip, but I don’t think that’s true. It’s starts with you, right? Let’s start to tell ourselves how fucking amazing we are. Here, I’ll do it with you.





Some Cited Shit:

“11 Powerful Affirmations to Help Treat Depression and Anxiety”. Power     of Positivity. 2016.

Williams, Ray. “Do Self Affirmations Work? A Revisit”. Psychology Today.      May 5, 2013.

She Was (Recently) Depressed and Selfish.

Okay so now that we all know what the entire point of this blog is, let’s get to business.

Where were we?

Oh, okay yesterday morning at 10:30am I realized that I can indeed have total control of my brain (I still want to not believe it, but it’s a thing, there are books and old white guys studying it). The title of this post is controversial but, as a person with chronic depression, it’s true. It took me FIVE-EVER to realize, but it’s true. For those of you have experienced depression it is no joke. Be it from a break up, some mishap with your job, or ya’ know just because (my brain prefers this reason). Our brains have this amazing way of instantly putting on the most intense and ASPCA dis-approved set of blinders* I have ever experienced.

*Fun little note here, in high school I was pretty (very) into basketball (we will get into that later I presume). Well as we all know basketball consists of an ass ton of dribbling. Have you ever tried to dribble, it’s a little challenging yes, but possible. It’s the most possible when you are able to look at the ball and know where to tell your hand to go. Well, on good ol’ varsity, that’s not acceptable anymore. So my coach would have us put on literal blinders and run up and down the court looking straight ahead, and expected us to be able to do that no problem. The only reason this is relevant is because it made me laugh thinking about a bunch of giant 17 year old girls running around in all directions looking like a bunch of blinded horses in the headlights. And humor is the most necessary when it comes to these topics so… you’re welcome.

I have an amazing life, I always have. I am extremely grateful to the Universe for this and thank my lucky stars every day. But depression doesn’t give a shit. You could be having the best day ever at your favorite place ever with your favorite people ever eating your favorite dessert ever and then BOOM! Your brain takes this perfect opportunity to put it into full throttle and remind you over and over and over and over that you aren’t shit. That you never have been shit and you never will be shit. There is actual like science about this thing and it’s just a bunch of chemicals that are off in your brain and aren’t firing off correctly.

The best way that my doctor ever explained it is picture an overpass. Okay, you’re in your car jamming away to Kendrick’s new album (my doctor didn’t say that part, even though she is pretty dope), about to go over this huge overpass and then right when you go to go over it there is a giant sign and road blocks that say that you can’t pass due to construction. Well, shit. Now you have to find some way off of A FREEWAY and turn around somewhere on a one-way street and make your way to another path. If it sounds difficult, it’s because it is. Yea, that’s how the chemicals in your brain work. They go about their day on their normal path and then they stop for some science reason and can’t finish the rest of their job because something is blocking it. Voila! That’s how I end up ruining the perfect day at the beach for me and everyone around me, again you’re welcome.

I would lock myself in my room, lights off, little to no food,no Netflix (or Netflix on mute) just staring and sleeping. Then, sleeping and staring. Eventually repeating  that ridiculous routine for the next 48 hours until my mom would come in and literally have to pull me out of bed. Why would I do this to myself you ask? No clue, but it happens and it’s a deep deep dark hole to get out of once you let yourself down there. Those who know, know oh too well. If you don’t know, now you know (yes, I did that on purpose, I tried to make a cool pop-outie like version of it, but I don’t computer well)

Before you say it, those dreaded words that will IMMEDIATLEY put someone in this state of depression into an even deeper darker harder damper wetter colder state of depression. DON’T SAY IT.

“I don’t know why you don’t just snap out of it” or “Just get up and go outside you’ll feel better” or “Just get over it”

No. Nah-uh. Nope. No way. Stop. Halt. Rewind. Pull it back.

It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life (and I primal camped in the fucking middle of bumfuck nowhere Kansas for 6 weeks in the dead heat of summer). Think about it, it’s all mental. You have to literally convince yourself (who is losing their shit up there and trying to kill you) that it’s not that big of deal and that it is being selfish. I mean I get it, we all (should) get it. There are WAY worse things happening in the world right now, then your brain just shutting down. But you have to practically fucking write up an outline, rough draft, final draft, make-up final draft, news article, bring it to Ellen, tell Oprah and then have the fucking Pope sign off on it before your brain believes it. My brain is high maintenance as shit, it’s a literally bitch. We fight all day long.

Long story short, just shut up and be there for the people in your life who are going through this, because it’s hard.

But you have to take that step. You have to realize that you aren’t the center of the universe. It isn’t all about you. There ARE worse things happening in the world to people who are much better human beings then you are. You have GOT to stop being selfish. Stop letting yourself throw that 48-hour pity party. Stop letting yourself take that initial step into that cold dark hole that goes deeper and deeper and is colder and colder (and creepier) the more you believe what your brain is trying to tell you. I’ve taken that step and that first step is rewiring your brain to not put you down while you’re at the beach having the time of your life. That first step is convincing yourself that you ARE awesome. That first step is convincing yourself that you DO deserve love and all that the universe has to give you. That first step is believing in all of the amazing things that this Universe has planned for you.

I don’t care if this blog gets big. I don’t care if only 5 people read this. I’m here for you and I promise you that there are people going through this exact same thing and that there IS a way out. Believe me, I just crawled out of that deep dark hole dirty fingernails and all, still covered in dirt and grime from that fall, but I’m off to go clean my clothes, take a shower, and kick ass. I hope you will join me. (Not in the shower, on the journey. You dirty pervs)